If John McCain is going to threaten the country with four more years of disastrous Bush economic, foreign, and social policy, the very least he can do is provide us with some comic relief. On this darkest of days, a light shines down upon us all.
Today I am proud to announce the launch of KEYES FOR VEEP.
We will create a groundswell so powerful that Senator McCain will be forced to make Ambassador Keyes his running mate. Then all we have to do is sit back and relax as hilarity ensues.
McCain's advisers might be concerned by Alan's perceived inability to win an election. Namely the 1988 Maryland Senate general election, the 1992 Maryland Senate general election, the 1996 GOP presidential nomination, the 2000 GOP presidential nomination, the 2004 Illinois Senate general election, the 2008 GOP presidential nomination, and the 2008 Constitution Party presidential nomination. Trust me, there is a perfectly good explanation for every one of these losses. Two words - voter fraud. Anyone with half a brain knows that Satan himself absconded with the votes that would have elected Ambassador Keyes. But you know what they say, the 8th time is the charm!
Some of the naysayers (who are clearly under demonic influence) will wonder aloud whether Keyes' so - called "incoherent rambling" will put voters to sleep. Have these people ever listened to Alan Keyes? He is far from boring. In fact, he's so exciting that young people will turn out to vote for him in droves. Barack Obama has nothing on Alan Keyes. Their 04' Senate race was marred by voter fraud, remember?
The McCain campaign is getting ready to "reintroduce" the Republican nominee, so I thought it might be helpful to "reintroduce" Alan Keyes. Please memorize these talking points, and repeat them often.
Point #1: Alan Keyes will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who would attempt to poison and destroy his brothers! He's like Samuel L. Jackson without the f - bombs.
Don't get Ambassador Keyes angry. You won't like him when he's angry. This means you Joe Lieberman and Lindsey Graham. Alan Keyes is going to be number two, not either of you. If you get in his way, he'll get biblical on your ass quicker than you can say "Shaderack, Meshack, and Abendigo."
This man is fired up. Look at him go!
As the unofficial spokesperson for the KEYES FOR VEEP campaign, I wish to clarify these comments. When he said "learn science," what Ambassador Keyes really meant was "learn creationism." And yes, he pretty much just called for a theocracy. Big deal. If Alan Keyes is wrong for democracy, I'm willing to bet most Americans don't want to be right.
Point #2: Alan Keyes is a soulful crooner.
It's R. Kelly meets Kermit the Frog! Groove to the soothing sounds of "The Ambassador of Love."
Point #3: Alan Keyes is a rebel.
People (read: himself) even compare him to MLK!
Uh - oh. When the rapture happens, the arresting officers are going to be sooooo screwed. Alan could have broken free from those handcuffs you know, he just didn't want to frighten the legions of children who were witnessing their hero being persecuted before their very eyes. Nice job, police officers. Why don't you go ahead and execute Barney while you're at it?
Point #4: Alan Keyes wears his heart on his... uh... his feet on his... chest... er... heart, which belongs to feet... on his... chest... because there's not enough room on his sleeve... er... something.
Take that, Neal Horsley!
The McCain campaign should also take note of a striking similarity between Alan Keyes and Dick Cheney, the last VP candidate to carry the Republican ticket to victory. Dick Cheney is an anti - gay politician who has a lesbian daughter. Alan Keyes is an anti - gay politician who has a lesbian daughter. Coincidence? I think not. Sometimes the Lord works in mysterious ways through mysterious gays.
Contrary to popular belief, Alan Keyes is not a sanctimonious blowhard. Words matter. They have the power to inspire. They can galvanize a nation. Keyes is a master wordsmith and a riveting speaker. Here is an excerpt of the speech he's going to give when he accepts the Republican nomination for Vice President in Minneapolis Saint Paul. It's a tour de force... a stunning achievement... a brilliant showcase of what happens when fire and brimstone meets brimstone and fire.
Just Words? The Alan Keyes Remix
"Grown men should not be having sex with prostitutes unless they are married to them."
Just words?
"Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream."
Just words?
The Lord said to Noah
There's gonna be a floody, floody
Get those children out of the muddy, muddy
Children of the Lord
So Noah
He built him, he built him an arky, arky
Just words?
"Something grabs a hold of me tightly, flow like a harpoon daily and nightly."
Just words?
"How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?"
Just words?
"The purple teletubby is gay."
Just words?
Quotes from Jerry Falwell, President Bush, a famous Sunday School song, Vanilla Ice, unknown, and Falwell again.
Barack Obama stole one election from Alan Keyes, but it's not going to happen again. Just wait until Obama sees literally dozens of supporters waving McCain / Keyes 08' signs in Minnesota. All of the voter fraud in the world won't help him this time.
